Day One
September, 28th 2016
Today IS my 55th birthday… and i have a confession.
I’m going to be celebrating today and everyday going forward as my REBIRTH-day. Let me explain…
Here is my confession.
This last period of my life has been rough in a number of ways. And those that know me, know that I wear my emotions on my sleeve and today is no different. I have experienced a number of losses in my life. We ALL have. Loss is a part of life and learning how to deal with those losses and learning to heal from them is something that few escape. And recently I’ve been going through a number of losses in a short period and have recently come out of a “funk” that has been very difficult and where I’ve not been my best by any means.
2 weeks ago I did an emotional release process called – “The Journey” that was a HUGE wake up call – for those that don’t know about this incredible work – it’s been a key component to healing for 10’s of 1000’s around the globe where you are able to resolve, forgive and let go of life’s pain – in a powerful process of self-discovery.
Now, I’ve done a number of processes over the last few years to clear what I had been experiencing and THIS particular process allowed me to see how I’ve been living my life recently and that it was no longer acceptable to carry on the way that I have. Unless you were in my inner circle of family and friends… you would have thought that I was fine. And the person that has had to deal with and be a part of carrying that pain the most was my wife Kristine. It’s been very difficult for her because that man that she fell in love with was not who was showing up every day in her life. Not for me, not for her, not for our family. At the time, I really couldn’t fully what was happening. I thought that love was eternal and believed that when you made a vow… especially a wedding vow, it was forever. I tend to be tenacious with my commitments. I was sitting in a huge blind-spot in my own life.
Knowing that I was slowly losing the love, trust and respect of my wife and not really knowing what the ultimate price would be. Which brings me back to my recent process – Afterwards – all of a sudden it was if the fog lifted, the energy of stuckness shifted and I came out of a multi-year slumber. My body started having such huge jolts of energy that I haven’t felt in a long time and it’s allowed me to exercise again after years of inactivity and feel truly alive again. I’ve been walking and even running again and getting a long time health issue taken care of. The stuckness that I was experiencing on ALL levels vanished.
All that said, there has been a lot of damage done to areas of my life including my marriage. I never thought that I would have to share this, but Kristine has decided that it was too little too late. She has been dealing with my being sick, stuck and in living in my bubble for too long. She has made the decision that she no longer wants to be my wife, has filed for divorce and is moving on to a new life by herself. This is very painful to admit. That someone that you feel is the love of your life does not love you any longer. There was never the blow up or betrayal, name calling or situation in our marriage that would normally be the culprit to blame ending it on that you can justify as a “reason”.
I want to say that it’s been one of the most difficult things that has ever happened to me and even though our interpersonal dynamic had its struggles, a lot of marriages do, I always thought that we would be together and we could work though anything. And this is not to be. She is steadfast in her moving forward in her life. Hence this public letter of apology to her for what she has had to deal with over the last few years.
It’s been a shock to a number of people that know us. Hell, it’s been a shock to ME! I share all this not for pity, to be a victim, or to speak poorly about my wife. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. She is an amazing woman that deserves a happy life. I don’t blame her for her choices, I free her from her vows in our marriage that were made 13 years ago so that she can go out and find happiness elsewhere. I want her to be happy.
Kristine, may you find what you are seeking inside yourself and companionship as time goes forward. I want you to be fullfilled in life beyond what you can imagine. I love you with all my heart and soul and want to see you be happy. I wish it was with me in your life and I finally understand. You are done. My inaction over the last several years has created a situation of unhappiness for you. I have been sleep walking through this recent time in my life and for that I’m forever sorry. I would do anything to heal our pain. And I know that it’s too late. I finally am allowing your words that I have refused to accept for so long to sink into my hard head. I now hear you.
This has been a huge slap upside the head for me. My heart is and has been in a million pieces for years at the inability to fully understand what she was saying. I guess on some level, I always felt that we were going to be together. I have been devastated, hurt, felt alone, abandoned, scared, moments of terror, feeling immense amounts of pain and loss in see her move on with her life over the last year and felt that I was living on the sidelines as an observer. It has been very painful to feel the shutdown and not to be able to move forward…. Until now.
Now, this “loss” on top of all the other losses that I’ve recently experienced is the reason for my “RE-Birthday”. Since the loss of my marriage in not what I would choose for my life, and as of yesterday, I finally heard loud and clear that there is no hope at all of reconciliation on her part, I am making the decision to move on with my own life and start the process of healing.
It’s not going to be easy to deal with the loss of my wife, my best friend, my lover, the mother of my children… and yet, life DOES go on.
There is a statement that people come into your life for a “reason, a season and a lifetime”. From time to time, the universe will laugh in your face when you think that you are in control of this choice.
Over the last few days, with my birthday approaching, and knowing that healing is in process… during a meditation it hit me that I am experiencing a “re-birth”. The “Phoenix Rising”. The Reawakening of my life-force and I intend to nurture and feed what is happening in my body, mind and spirit. This will be about what is coming up for me and it’s my hope that others can benefit.
The awakening that has happened has given me boundless energy that has alluded me for years. I’ve lived on and off in a state of near exhaustion. And I KNOW better and how to take care of myself. How could this happen? Well, the new energy that is flowing through my body has had me walking and running and over the last few weeks I have averaged over 6.5 miles a day on my walks, running, running wind sprints, busy around the house preparing to see our home during the split and more.
The bottom line is — I have a TON of tools for healing in my personal tool kit. I am going to be nurturing myself and bringing them out and putting them to use on a daily basis. I’m going to be putting them to use as I go through this and want to share them.
Now, this is why I’m writing this note. Not to just spill my guts. It’s a VERY personal matter. And yet, I live a very “public” life in a lot of ways and have a personal mission statement where I’ve “committed myself to helping others wake up to the truth of who they truly are in all aspects to their life”. Being in the service of others in their healing is what I do. So…. I’ve always shared that I don’t have all the answers, feel pain like everyone else does and that I’m always in the trenches of life with everyone, well… here is what I’m planning.
Over the next few months, I’m going to be going through a lot of firsts in dealing with the loss of my marriage, and I know that it will be a bit of an emotional roller-coaster. I have tools to deal with this emotional pain where a number of others don’t. I have spent my entire adult life preparing my mind, body and spirit to deal with this type of emotional pain, so I’m going to document it in a series of blog posts in the hopes of helping others heal from their loss too. This will not be a bitch-fest or a blame game experience. It’s not about my (soon to be ex-wife). It’s about me. Seeing my shit. My patterns. My games. Hopefully having the awareness to get beyond my blind-spots to heal my own broken heart. I’m going to be trying to purge and heal from my part in this relationship. And what it will take to get that “ship” to sail again as I relate to others.
I’m going to title it: 101 days of Healing.
Why 100 +1?
Well, we will take each day one at a time and see what arises. I’m going to look at posting every day for the next 101 days and maybe beyond depending if others are interested. The tools that I’ll be sharing could be good for anyone dealing with loss of a loved one either by divorce, death, or disillusion. It could be for someone that has been dealing with depression and is longing to come out of it. It could be for someone (man or woman) that is just looking to move forward in life and would also like to commit to their own personal healing.
I’m not saying that each and every day will be a game changer in life. That every day will bring the epiphany to set you free or that it will be earth-shattering. That’s not the way it works. We have times of great awareness, then times of integration, times where we take 2 steps back to take 4 steps forward. It’s part of the process. All I can promise you is that it will be real for me and if you can find some healing from it… beautiful.
So, if you are interested in joining me… I will be posting the blog on my website as the days go on and if you would like to be notified… please go to my website that is in the process of being overhauled and sign up for daily updates over the next 101 days. You can sign up at: www.SkipLackey.com and sign up. You will then have to confirm your email address before the action is complete.
Thanks in advance for sharing this info or the willingness to take advantage of it yourself. It’s not going to be an easy road to go down… and it’s my gift to those that are interested. And the interesting thing is that I have a dear friend that came to me around a recent struggle with HER relationship and after one session with me she went from “I’m done” to “I see what I’ve been doing”, and they cleared up the pain that was separating them. Is it forever? Who knows. All I know is that we can take this “one day at a time”, and heal from our pain and move on in life.
If this helps even ONE person, it will be perfect. Is that one person you?
Until tomorrow…
Be resourceful and choose to celebrate your re-birthday with me. Let’s grow together!
Blessings,
Skip
